AliveCuisine

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern is a documentary-style travel and cuisine program hosted by Andrew Zimmern on the Travel Channel. The first season debuted on Monday, February 26, 2007. Bizarre Foods “focuses on regional cuisine from around the world which is typically perceived by the American masses as being gross, unique, or, of course, bizarre.” In each episode, Zimmern focuses on the cuisine of a particular country or region, and shows how the food is procured, where it is served, and, usually without hesitation, he eats it.

The many foods sampled by Zimmern in the show include goose intestines, callos (blood sausage and tripe casserole), a still-beating frog heart, frog ovary soup, fresh bull testicle and scrotum stew, mangrove worms, lamb’s eye, poached calf’s brain, cow's stomach lining, baby eels, grouper throat, mosquito eggs, chicken feet, fermented fish heads, jellied moose nose, stinky tofu, chicken uterus, live lobster, maggot pupae, tarantula pops, cockroaches, camel paw, pig stomach, snake penis, fried deer penis, yak penis, bull penis, cow udder, and live sea squirt, among others.

I’ve seen worms wiggle in his mouth, insects dart across his tongue, crawl on his lips to escape, lobster stir on his tongue. I can’t stomach it when he eats live things. I know food doesn’t begin at the grocery store but I don’t want to eat something that is eyeballing me, or feel feet still kicking as a living things passes down my throat. Nausea. I can’t stand to look at half the “dinners” he eats, enthusiastically smacking his lips. After several episodes, I simply swore I would not eat anything that is alive. Period. No exception. The other day I was in the grocery store shopping for dessert. I love ice cream. I’m allergic to eggs, so I was reading the ingredients, and I discovered that all the ice cream brands at the store include “a live culture.”

Ice Cream! I scream. You scream. We all scream. No more ice cream. Live culture in ice cream!

I Took a Shower with Madonna

I took a shower with Madonna last Saturday morning. I like hot showers with a lot of steam. We were a little crowded, but we were hot, steamy and quick, about four minutes.

Earlier last week, I showered with The Killers. We sing great harmony together. The stall was filled and the glass door steamed like milkweed but we made a phenomenal sound. “I hear them knocking and they’re gonna break down the door. I hear them knocking and they’re gonna come back for more.” We rocked! We rocked!

Ever since I attached waterproof speakers to the inside of the shower stall, I’ve been singing every morning. In fact, singing afternoons and evenings too, in the yard, in the car, while doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen. Doing duets with Jason Mraz, harmonizing with Of Montreal, Blind Pilot, Cold War Kids, soaping to the goldies (Bruce Springsteen, the Bee Gees, Beatles, Stones), rinsing with The Spoons, Lil Wayne, 50 Cents.

Occassionally, say with Freddie Mercury, Roy Orbison, Aretha Franklin, Sam Harris, Rufus Wainwright--I might as well step out of the stall and wipe dry because they reach notes I can’t reach. But it’s a lot of fun trying.

My partner thinks I’m a noise-maker, but I’m not. I’m energy in the flesh, a whole lotta loving going on.

Is Divorce, Foreclosure, and Crime in the Future of Dick and Jane?

Dick and Jane marry, have a daughter, Sally Mae, a son, Freddie Mac, and a dog, Dot.com. Dick and Jane work long hours. While Jane prepares dinner from the groceries she shopped for after work, Dick puts a load of kids clothes in the washing machine, (clothes he will later place on hangers or fold neatly) helps Sally Mae with her lessons, and changes Freddie Mac’s diaper. He also gives Dot.com fresh water. No one in this household, including Dot.com, barks at another.

Across town, another Dick and Jane marry, have a daughter, DJ, a son, JR., and a dog, Bow Wow. Both work outside the home. Dick yells at Jane to have dinner early. Jane yells at Dick to help with the kids, the house, the laundry. Dick always wants sex. When he doesn’t get it, he kicks Bow Wow. Bow Wow barks. Every third week, Jane kicks the kitchen cabinets and curses Dick while the kids run for cover. Dick goes to a bar, comes home hours later, says he’s sorry, and wants to have sex. Bow Wow barks.

The Difference between homosapien and homicidal may be situational. After George W. Bush and Dick Cheaney busted the economy with their top 1% of incomes friends, mostly self-centered, self-righteous liars and deniars (sic. republican’ts and republic-cons), Sally Mae fell in with the wrong crowd and Freddie Mac started pulling off his diaper and using Dick’s favorite chair as a crapper. Meanwhile across town, DJ was arrested for theft at a Wally World, JR joined a violent gang , and Bow Wow bit the mailman. Jane lost her job. Her boss said she didn’t need it as much as a man who had to support his family, and that pissed off Dick because he didn’t make enough from his hourly wage to pay for everything alone.

Maybe this doesn’t prove anything about homosapiens, but it sure feels better to hear our leaders say, “One Nation, One People” instead of “You People” and “Our People.”